All that I have been called to be...
All that is unique to me...
I am
discovering.
Who I want to be when I grow up
Where I will raise my children
I am
discovering.
Will I homeschool my children?
Will I pursue an EdD?
I am discovering -
Everything I dreamt about as a child is changing
All the things I thought were important are changing
Things like booku bucks, friends for days (and nights), designer clothes
All those things are not REALLY real
They are fake, temporary, destroyable...
Those things do not dictate who I am
Or who I will be
Or even who I WANT to be
But...
I am discovering...
Spirituality does
Understanding will
Love already has
Made me just the way His will has dictated. And I am discovering that
everyday I'm getting better at
discovering
where
I
am
going.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Every Now and Again...
I wonder what life would be like if I was offered one of the many positions I have applied for.
I received another rejection letter via email today for a position I applied for back when I was "desperately" seeking employment elsewhere. Now that I'm content with my work situation, I wonder if my reflection on the universe is accurate.
I have come to the conclusion that I should be an entrepreneur. What a revelation right? LOL...that's something that I've always felt in my spirit and anyone who knows me and believes in entrepreneurship probably already knew this. I've been told over and over again that I need to work for myself, but I have always doubted myself for one reason or another. At one point, it was I need more work experience. Earlier this year, it was I need more education. And here we are at THIS point. I've applied for the jobs I feel would help me better run an organization of my own. I have enrolled in a graduate program I believe would give me the theoretical base.
And yet I still receive rejection letters. Did I mention I also volunteer doing the work I'd like to get paid doing? In spite of all that, I'm still not "entrepreneuring".
Why? Because I have yet to JUST DO IT. Work experience and education are technically "on the job" tools. Things you will get the most benefit from only after you've DONE IT. So what's keeping me paralyzed?
I hate to say it...oooh it's such the punk way out...but it's the truth.
F...E...A...R. There I said it...I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid I'll fail, afraid things won't be as glamorous as I imagine them to be. Afraid that I'll fall on my a$$ and I'll find out that I didn't know as much about life as I said I did.
But you know what? So what. I'm afraid and I'm going to do it anyway. I have a part time job on top of this full time job only because I like the idea of having "spending" money. They will be laying off soon because my department is closing. Even before I'm forced out, I am making moves to begin my own business.
Nothing too complicated...actually something pretty simple. Something that's needed, wanted and uniquely me. Something that calls for my expertise, something that can move with me (because I yearn for mobility), something that relies on my experience, something that compliments all of my interests. Something that encompasses all the things I already do for free. And I'm not telling... :)
I will tell this ... I'm doing it. The funding for it is "in rotation", but I'm doing it. And I'm happy and excited about it.
I received another rejection letter via email today for a position I applied for back when I was "desperately" seeking employment elsewhere. Now that I'm content with my work situation, I wonder if my reflection on the universe is accurate.
I have come to the conclusion that I should be an entrepreneur. What a revelation right? LOL...that's something that I've always felt in my spirit and anyone who knows me and believes in entrepreneurship probably already knew this. I've been told over and over again that I need to work for myself, but I have always doubted myself for one reason or another. At one point, it was I need more work experience. Earlier this year, it was I need more education. And here we are at THIS point. I've applied for the jobs I feel would help me better run an organization of my own. I have enrolled in a graduate program I believe would give me the theoretical base.
And yet I still receive rejection letters. Did I mention I also volunteer doing the work I'd like to get paid doing? In spite of all that, I'm still not "entrepreneuring".
Why? Because I have yet to JUST DO IT. Work experience and education are technically "on the job" tools. Things you will get the most benefit from only after you've DONE IT. So what's keeping me paralyzed?
I hate to say it...oooh it's such the punk way out...but it's the truth.
F...E...A...R. There I said it...I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid I'll fail, afraid things won't be as glamorous as I imagine them to be. Afraid that I'll fall on my a$$ and I'll find out that I didn't know as much about life as I said I did.
But you know what? So what. I'm afraid and I'm going to do it anyway. I have a part time job on top of this full time job only because I like the idea of having "spending" money. They will be laying off soon because my department is closing. Even before I'm forced out, I am making moves to begin my own business.
Nothing too complicated...actually something pretty simple. Something that's needed, wanted and uniquely me. Something that calls for my expertise, something that can move with me (because I yearn for mobility), something that relies on my experience, something that compliments all of my interests. Something that encompasses all the things I already do for free. And I'm not telling... :)
I will tell this ... I'm doing it. The funding for it is "in rotation", but I'm doing it. And I'm happy and excited about it.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Dream Reader
I read dreams.
I listen intently to the words spilling from your mouth. The ones fighting to be made free.
I listen to your thoughts, watch your actions and put them together to form a nice, pretty picture. I force them to make sense.
I smell your fear and I taste your inclination to avoid the inevitable. I feel your passion, yearning to break free from the ordinary and predictable events of yesteryear.
I am you...so I know you. I know your feelings. I know both your successes and your fears.
In spite of it all, I believe in you. I know the heights to which you will soar if you will just allow yourself to let go of what "they" say you should do with your time...with your life. I have seen the mountaintops to where you will travel just as soon as you accept your differences and grow comfortable enough in your own skin to stop allowing "them" to abuse you...mentally, verbally, emotionally.
I know where you are going...I hear it in your voice. I see it in your actions. I feel it in your dreams. You are well on your way. And you when you get there, you will have scars from the battles you had to fight to get there. But you will make it.
How do I know it? Because I saw it in my dreams.
I listen intently to the words spilling from your mouth. The ones fighting to be made free.
I listen to your thoughts, watch your actions and put them together to form a nice, pretty picture. I force them to make sense.
I smell your fear and I taste your inclination to avoid the inevitable. I feel your passion, yearning to break free from the ordinary and predictable events of yesteryear.
I am you...so I know you. I know your feelings. I know both your successes and your fears.
In spite of it all, I believe in you. I know the heights to which you will soar if you will just allow yourself to let go of what "they" say you should do with your time...with your life. I have seen the mountaintops to where you will travel just as soon as you accept your differences and grow comfortable enough in your own skin to stop allowing "them" to abuse you...mentally, verbally, emotionally.
I know where you are going...I hear it in your voice. I see it in your actions. I feel it in your dreams. You are well on your way. And you when you get there, you will have scars from the battles you had to fight to get there. But you will make it.
How do I know it? Because I saw it in my dreams.
Contract Work
Life is filled with contracts. Written contracts - like the forms you sign when applying for a credit card or a prenup. Oral contracts - like when I told my friend I'd pay her $1200 for her bedroom set. Last but not least, you have implied contracts - like when you are hired to do a job, the implication is that you will do the best job you can.
In my life, I have several contracts. I have implied contracts with friends and associates that say as long as we are on the same wavelength and share some of the same values, we will remain friends. At any time if you disrespect me or I feel as if we are growing in seperate directions, then that contract will more than likely be discontinued.
In my professional life, the written agreement is that if I do the work; I will be paid. If I do not do the work we have agreed upon, then I will not get paid. In my current position, I have recently renewed my contract. I've taken it upon myself to review my contract and adjust my behavior accordingly. After a bit of reflection, I discovered that my employer was actually getting more work out of me than we had originally agreed upon.
And such is life. In friendships, relationships and professionally, I consciously CHOOSE to enter into a contract. If at anytime I feel as if the relationship is extending outside of the previously set boundaries, it is my duty to review the contract. To make sure the terms of the agreement are in tact and are mutually agreed upon. If in the process leading up to the contract renewal, I discover that I have changed the terms of the agreement without making the other party aware of the change, it is then my responsibility to confirm the change with the other person. If I choose NOT to make them aware of any changes on my part, then I have no one to blame but myself. If two parties have a contractual agreement together, yet there is no agreement on the terms of the agreement, who is to blame?
All of this to say - I have contracts with my employers. I am choosing to enter into contract with them. I have contracts with my family, friends and anyone I allow to spend time in my inner circle. I choose to enter into those as well. If at any time I no longer believe in the terms of said contract, I reserve the right to cancel the contract. If I choose to renew the contract, I am saying I agree with the past behavior; I agree with the way you treated me in the past. You too have a choice when it comes to renewing contracts. Won't you review some of your contracts today? You may find it's time to cancel some and write in additional requirements for some others :)
In my life, I have several contracts. I have implied contracts with friends and associates that say as long as we are on the same wavelength and share some of the same values, we will remain friends. At any time if you disrespect me or I feel as if we are growing in seperate directions, then that contract will more than likely be discontinued.
In my professional life, the written agreement is that if I do the work; I will be paid. If I do not do the work we have agreed upon, then I will not get paid. In my current position, I have recently renewed my contract. I've taken it upon myself to review my contract and adjust my behavior accordingly. After a bit of reflection, I discovered that my employer was actually getting more work out of me than we had originally agreed upon.
And such is life. In friendships, relationships and professionally, I consciously CHOOSE to enter into a contract. If at anytime I feel as if the relationship is extending outside of the previously set boundaries, it is my duty to review the contract. To make sure the terms of the agreement are in tact and are mutually agreed upon. If in the process leading up to the contract renewal, I discover that I have changed the terms of the agreement without making the other party aware of the change, it is then my responsibility to confirm the change with the other person. If I choose NOT to make them aware of any changes on my part, then I have no one to blame but myself. If two parties have a contractual agreement together, yet there is no agreement on the terms of the agreement, who is to blame?
All of this to say - I have contracts with my employers. I am choosing to enter into contract with them. I have contracts with my family, friends and anyone I allow to spend time in my inner circle. I choose to enter into those as well. If at any time I no longer believe in the terms of said contract, I reserve the right to cancel the contract. If I choose to renew the contract, I am saying I agree with the past behavior; I agree with the way you treated me in the past. You too have a choice when it comes to renewing contracts. Won't you review some of your contracts today? You may find it's time to cancel some and write in additional requirements for some others :)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
It's Been a Long Time...I Shouldn't Have Left You...
So it's been a while...actually it's been a bit more than a while. More like ages since I last wrote? Work has been extremely hectic...so hectic that I thought I was a goner for a little while there. I really had to buckle my bootstraps and make sure I didn't get fired.
As I looked at my manager and the things I felt she was doing "to" me, I took some time to reflect on the things I was doing to myself. I had failed to realize that I was not giving my job 100%. I failed to realize that I was basically giving my manager the bullets and then getting mad at her for loading them into her gun. Was she nitpicking? Sure. But did I have any responsibility in the matter? I certainly did.
After much reflection and analysis, it dawned on me that I was doing more work than I had been contracted to do. Isn't that all work is? A contract? More on that topic in another post..."Contract Work". But basically, I was forcing myself into underpayment. I was hired as an academic advisor. I'd accepted that contract, but then thrown in organizational consulting and executive development for free. And the kicker? My efforts weren't being recognized. So what does all that mean? It means that even though I was getting paid the same 34k I'd always gotten, I was now GIVING over 100k worth of advice. Sounds like it's time for my contract to be renewed doesn't it? I agree ;)
In any event, I discovered I was putting 90% of my effort into the consulting piece and giving the remaining 10% to the job that I was actually getting paid to do. If I were the employer, I'd definitely say it was time to renew that contract! As an employee, I was not doing the job I was getting paid for. Thanks for the free services you'd thrown in, but the job I hired you for still needed to be done. So I tell you what - I'll give you an opportunity to get your act together. I'll place you on written warning. Oh you didn't think this was a serious matter? You thought I was going back to my old ways of saying something and not following up and keeping track? Well then let me place you on final written warning so that you know for sure I'm serious.
So here I am, sitting on final written warning. And for the second time in my life, I feel like I'm about to get fired. And so I start trying to save myself. Have you ever seen someone drowning? They flap their arms around, they kick, they exert all this energy and because the current is more powerful than their flailing arms, it eventually overpowers them and takes them under.
That's what was happening to me. I was drowning...my manager was finding everything she could (only the things I provided to her of course) as ammunition and basis for her argument that I was a detriment and liability to my team. And so I fought...at first I threw things back at her. I became argumentative and pointed out how she could stand to improve. When that didn't get her off my back, I quickly got on the 1-a-day plan. I applied for at least 1 new job every day. When that didn't work, I focused a bit more on keeping my job and scaled down to the 1-a-week plan. Yet I noticed I still wasn't getting any callbacks. What was the problem? I have this wonderful accounting degree from a Big Ten University. I'm pursuing a graduate degree in nonprofit management. I volunteer doing the same type of work I'm applying for. Why won't anyone save me from this current? Somebody, anybody please throw me a life raft!
The last resort? Put all that extra energy into my job. Spend less time talking about what SHE was doing and what THEY could do better and how much I already knew and start excelling in the work for which I was getting paid. The weekly goals? I exceeded them. The daily phone metrics? I exceeded those too. After all the arm flailing and screaming, I found that simply sitting still and focusing my energy in one direction is what saved me from the current (that is my manager) taking me under.
In the process, I was offered and turned down 2 jobs. When I leave, I will be walking toward my destiny and not running away from fear and so called bad management. Oh and guess what else? I've re-evaluated my contract. I am now ONLY doing the job that I get paid for. All my other energy has been redirected toward personal development, toward building my own empire and toward doing those things I like to do the most - serving others, volunteering and inspiring/motivating others. I will be hosting a monthly seminar series beginning this month. Next month, I will be attending a conference that will qualify me to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory to individuals and groups. Now that I've relaxed, life is finally getting GOOD!
As I looked at my manager and the things I felt she was doing "to" me, I took some time to reflect on the things I was doing to myself. I had failed to realize that I was not giving my job 100%. I failed to realize that I was basically giving my manager the bullets and then getting mad at her for loading them into her gun. Was she nitpicking? Sure. But did I have any responsibility in the matter? I certainly did.
After much reflection and analysis, it dawned on me that I was doing more work than I had been contracted to do. Isn't that all work is? A contract? More on that topic in another post..."Contract Work". But basically, I was forcing myself into underpayment. I was hired as an academic advisor. I'd accepted that contract, but then thrown in organizational consulting and executive development for free. And the kicker? My efforts weren't being recognized. So what does all that mean? It means that even though I was getting paid the same 34k I'd always gotten, I was now GIVING over 100k worth of advice. Sounds like it's time for my contract to be renewed doesn't it? I agree ;)
In any event, I discovered I was putting 90% of my effort into the consulting piece and giving the remaining 10% to the job that I was actually getting paid to do. If I were the employer, I'd definitely say it was time to renew that contract! As an employee, I was not doing the job I was getting paid for. Thanks for the free services you'd thrown in, but the job I hired you for still needed to be done. So I tell you what - I'll give you an opportunity to get your act together. I'll place you on written warning. Oh you didn't think this was a serious matter? You thought I was going back to my old ways of saying something and not following up and keeping track? Well then let me place you on final written warning so that you know for sure I'm serious.
So here I am, sitting on final written warning. And for the second time in my life, I feel like I'm about to get fired. And so I start trying to save myself. Have you ever seen someone drowning? They flap their arms around, they kick, they exert all this energy and because the current is more powerful than their flailing arms, it eventually overpowers them and takes them under.
That's what was happening to me. I was drowning...my manager was finding everything she could (only the things I provided to her of course) as ammunition and basis for her argument that I was a detriment and liability to my team. And so I fought...at first I threw things back at her. I became argumentative and pointed out how she could stand to improve. When that didn't get her off my back, I quickly got on the 1-a-day plan. I applied for at least 1 new job every day. When that didn't work, I focused a bit more on keeping my job and scaled down to the 1-a-week plan. Yet I noticed I still wasn't getting any callbacks. What was the problem? I have this wonderful accounting degree from a Big Ten University. I'm pursuing a graduate degree in nonprofit management. I volunteer doing the same type of work I'm applying for. Why won't anyone save me from this current? Somebody, anybody please throw me a life raft!
The last resort? Put all that extra energy into my job. Spend less time talking about what SHE was doing and what THEY could do better and how much I already knew and start excelling in the work for which I was getting paid. The weekly goals? I exceeded them. The daily phone metrics? I exceeded those too. After all the arm flailing and screaming, I found that simply sitting still and focusing my energy in one direction is what saved me from the current (that is my manager) taking me under.
In the process, I was offered and turned down 2 jobs. When I leave, I will be walking toward my destiny and not running away from fear and so called bad management. Oh and guess what else? I've re-evaluated my contract. I am now ONLY doing the job that I get paid for. All my other energy has been redirected toward personal development, toward building my own empire and toward doing those things I like to do the most - serving others, volunteering and inspiring/motivating others. I will be hosting a monthly seminar series beginning this month. Next month, I will be attending a conference that will qualify me to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory to individuals and groups. Now that I've relaxed, life is finally getting GOOD!
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